On my Grandfather's death bed he boasted that he had never lost his temper a day in his life & neither had his son (my father). My mother kept her tongue & didn't mention to the nurse that he did have half his stomach removed & my father has had ulcers his whole life. But anger........no no not ever!
So although I am very much in touch with a broad range of emotions, I could not honestly say how I express anger. And so this conversation deepened into the discussion of repressed Pitta energy or what my Ayurvedic Practitioner called "Shy Pitta". As he spoke I realize that as an emotional female child, any frustration or anger I had felt I quickly learned to sublimate into other forms of expression like physical exercise or subtle sarcasm. Yet the most common tendency was to simply repress it or turn it on myself where it would transform into guilt, shame & sadness.
So now decades later, I am chagrin to admit that I still don't really know how to feel & express anger in a direct manner. I'm not saying I wish I could get into a fist fight or something, but as I pay attention to this on a deeper level I realize there is immense power bound into this old held pattern. And the desire to finally unleash this power is something I can no longer deny.
So today I was consciously aware of my first "Pitta Attack" I am calling it. After weeks of lying in bed on my back, unable to hardly walk up stairs much less take my sweet husky girl for a hike, the energy just became unbearable. I was contrary with everyone around me (who were just trying to be helpful) and realized the old pattern of my father trying to talk to me rationally all the times in my early life when this fiery energy could not be consoled. I realize now that it does not work to try & talk rationally to someone in the midst of a Pitta Attack!
It wasn't until I finally took my dear canine companion out to walk in the midday heat, (despite the obvious signs by my body to stay horizontal!), that the wind & the sun began to exacerbate this pitta fire even more. And low & behold I actually felt anger!?!?! Wow, so this is how I've sequestered it for so many decades!
And blessed be I had the inner guidance to take us both straight to a nearby mountain stream & plunge my dog and me into the frigid water. Ahhhhhhh..... such relief! And I stayed with my feet in that ice water, sitting on a cool stone in the shade, for nearly 30 minutes. I also began to scream under my breath (so as not to disturb the quiet of nature & my dear Gypsy dog). Slowly I felt a little of this pent up energy find release as the heat began to drain out of my feet & my hands. Yet I can tell there are fissures beginning to form in the damn that is containing this veritable reservoir of energy.
So it is clear that my body is telling me that for life to continue in this body, this pressurized energy must be released or it will consume me. I am having visions of large canvases filled with bright & sensual layers of sumptuous oil paint. Not crayons on paper or tempera paint or any other lesser form will do. For I now remember that it was the luscious experience of painting my truth with oils on a real canvas that was side swiped so many years ago during my formal art education.
Exactly how the opportunity will reveal itself I do not know, but it is time to honor these creative, artistic, feminine energies that are ready to flow forth unrestrained. Maybe one painting will do it.....or maybe I will discover that this is an avenue of expression that my Soul has sought for ages. Time will tell. I can only say now that if you too have a tendency to repress or sublimate the energy of anger in your life.....perhaps it is time to find constructive ways to explore it!
With Deep Blessings ♡ Jeanette