In the beginning of my radical transformation, as I often call it, it felt like the ground within me was shaking apart, literally. My physical body, my emotional body and my mind were fragmenting in response to unconscious beliefs that were shattering without my conscious realization. I became afraid of myself and did not know what was happening to me. This is the point that many people become hospitalized or institutionalized as western medicine and psychology attempt to 'treat' their 'condition', rather than having the support they need to face this divine process and find resources to assist this disintegration of the old self. Yet however it unfolds, it is in divine hands.
During this time we can experience a plethora of unsettling symptoms that most people around us are unlikely to understand. For me it began with panic and anxiety that turned into powerful surges of energy attempting to move through my constricted body. Needless to say terror is an appropriate description of what I often felt. Yet there were others around me who saw and understood that this was indeed a divine process, which helped my little mind to trust it enough to allow it to unfold.
At one point in an attempt to dedicate the majority of my time to simply turning and facing my own darkness, I went up into the mountains and spent a winter in a remote cabin. During this time I utilized every skill I had learned to process what was seething up into my consciousness. Then, one day when I was deeply engaged in a process I called psycho-somatic journeying, I began to have visions and to 'speak in tongues'. Actually, it was one tongue, and it was both soothing and powerful. And somehow I was able to understand what was coming through me via the emotional content even though I could not understand the words themselves.
Soon after I received clear inner guidance to "come down out of the mountains and go into civilization". This was accompanied by a directive to "go North". Go North I thought! What was that about? Couldn't I get an address or a finger on a map or anything!?! But no…..I had to get in my car and just start driving North. And on my journey I realized that my "somatic richter scale" was to be my guide telling me which way to go and when I had arrived 'North'.
This is when it got really interesting, because I had gone into the mountains to find safety in the secluded wilderness. For my fear was not of lions and tigers and bears, my fear was of discount stores and turnpikes and the judgement of people who could not understand what I was going through. I was mortified of what would happen if I started talking to the apples and oranges in the super market or writhing with kundalini energy during a social gathering??? And I will admit that 'coming out of the spiritual closet' was far more challenging than being in the mountains alone with my dog and cat and bobcats and coyotes and mountain lions. Yet the calling was clear and so I followed it as best I could.
I know that is why I was called to bring forth Blue Earth Awakening into the world, to be there for others like me who are scared senseless by their own process of transformation and just need others to help normalize the experience for them. For we don't need others to 'fix' us necessarily, (although we may feel like we do), as much as we need to be reminded constantly that we are not in control and we never were. We need to see and hear others who have the courage to walk the pathless journey back to the original Self that has been waiting here all along. So come and share your journey with me and us here in the comments and on Facebook @ https://www.facebook.com/BlueEarthAwakening. For this is how we cultivate the trust we need to carry on and step forth out of the illusion of safety that our spiritual closet has given us.